


woke up new

by orphan_account



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, begrudgingly tagging it with sousuke, i really don't like sousuke.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-08-28 21:25:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8463472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: How did life use to be before it was the two of them? What will it be after he gathers up the courage and decides to part ways? After ending a three year relationship with Sousuke, Rin has to reconsider his life.





	1. 00

He can’t shake off the feeling that something is not right, that this is not how things should be going at twenty-three. Because when he left home with the premise of a new life in Tokyo with his boyfriend this is definitely not what he had in mind. Because this is not how it’s supposed to feel. You’re not supposed to lock yourself in the bathroom whenever you two have had an argument, because the inadequateness of knowing that no matter you say - no matter what you do, it’s not the right thing and you feel trapped. And you can’t see. And you can’t breath. And there’s no life beyond the four walls that will eventually swallow you. No. This is not how his life is supposed to be, Rin thinks as he closes the tap of water, leaning on the sink and processing what has just happened.

 

They always fight, lately more than usually but that’s always been a constant of their relationship. And there are tears, and screams and eventually hugs and kisses and apologies. But lately there are only bitter remarks and accusations that dig into his skin and anger that fades like an old bruise - in a couple of days you’ve already forgotten how and why and you go on with your life. And somehow each morning you wake up with a new bruise, a fresh wound to tend to while you try to gather the broken pieces of your life. And then you forget. You always forget.

 

But somehow he knows this time he’s not gonna be able to forget. He knows that no matter how much he tries to smile and act normal afterwards - his issues never solved but pushed deep inside his chest, trying to pretend that everything can go back to normal and that they can hug and kiss and go to bed. No. Rin can’t play that game anymore, because maybe his boyfriend’s anger vanishes as quickly as it comes, but Rin is covered in bruises and broken bones. Some of them - he knows, will never heal.

 

My life is over. 

 

Somehow today feels like an epiphany. Something he knew was going to happen, eventually. And as he looks at himself in the mirror, Rin realizes that along the way he’s lost contact to the person staring back at him. This wasn’t supposed to go like that. He searches in his eyes for tears, for sadness and something that will bring him back to reality. Anything that will make Sousuke burst into the bathroom and tell him that it’s alright, that they will get past it. And Rin wants to believe him, and perhaps the tears will numb his judgement and they  _ will _ be able to get past their many issues. But somehow Rin knows that he’s tired of trying. 

 

But he’s also scared.

 

Once upon a time he would have been brave enough to confront him, to tell him “it’s over” and walk away like he did so many times. Like Iwatobi, like Sydney, like all the things he’s convinced himself no longer matter. And he can’t shake the feeling that every time this happens he should end it - that this relationship wasn’t meant to last in the first place, that he’s wanted to run away so many times before he got too hurt. But he kept repeating to himself that he wouldn’t - be a coward, that he had to keep trying - if only to succeed at at least something in his life. Although maybe the only reason that they have made it this far is just that - cowardice. His own inability to face his fears and break it, nevermind their friendship - they could keep being friends eventually. 

 

But maybe he doesn’t want him as a friend.

 

He feels trapped. Between these four walls, his own mind and Sousuke’s words echoing in his head. And he hates himself for not answering to them, for not being able to formulate a single coherent thought and letting his words die in his throat. Well maybe you’re right. Maybe I don’t love you anymore, maybe I don’t want to be with you anymore because you HURT ME. You hurt me every single time and it’s always me who apologizes - but it’s always my apologies that don’t matter anyway. And you always decide, and I always cry on my own, and you always hurt me until you’ve had enough of it. And then you act all normal again. And I never get my closure.

 

You’re keeping me on a leash. 

 

The worst of all is that he’s let that happen willingly. He doesn’t even go out anymore. He’s stopped talking to his old friends on the phone because it made Sousuke annoyed, because it was  _ their time _ . But which part of the time wasn’t theirs, anyway? In these almost three years the only friends they’ve ever had are the ones Sousuke approved of somehow, the ones that are both their friends and anybody who doesn’t enter that set intersection is not worthy of their time. And the feeling of isolation grows stronger every time they argue, because he cannot go to any of those friends for advice. Because it’s not on their interests to tell him they should maybe break up, even if it’s true. But for once, Rin would like to have somebody to tell him the truths he doesn’t see, the harsh truths that will break him away from this limbo, this race in which he can’t even recognize his own feet. He needs someone to tell him to fucking snap out of it, that his life is not over yet and to stop procrastinating the inevitable.

 

_ Haruka… _

 

A flash memory crosses his mind for a second, it goes as fast as it comes but he knows it was there. His chest feels tighter and he can’t breath, the scent of a cherry tree pushes him back against the wall, eyes wide open, legs shaking and the warmth of the first day of summer at the shore of a beach. Like a memory of a previous life. But he knows it happened, didn’t it? 

 

Why was I even with Sousuke 

 

in the first place

  
when all I wanted was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time  
> I was cold so I put on a sweater and I turned up the heat  
> And the walls began to close in and I felt so sad and frightened  
> I practically ran from the living room out into the street
> 
>  
> 
> And the wind began to blow and all the trees began to pant  
> And the world, in its cold way, started coming alive  
> And I stood there like a business man waiting for the train  
> And I got ready for the future to arrive


	2. 01

Waking up to the cold tiles of the bathroom against his skin, a sore neck and the artificial light still hitting on his face greet him first. It takes him a minute to remember the events of last night and the strength of his own conclusions hits him in a wave of panic. Did he say anything to Sousuke? Is it really over? As an afterthought he wishes that were the case but knows it still hasn't happened. It does nothing to soothe his inner turmoil.  
  
He checks his phone and sees he can still get three hours of sleep, before his adrenaline filled day sends him running in circles around the city and he forgets. But he knows he won’t get any more sleep for today so he decides to go for an early jog instead.  
  
The cold air of the morning hits him on the face as soon as he steps out of the building, November days merging into December mornings inconspicuously. One day he would go out for a jog and return with frozen fingers, and then not even his morning routine would save him from having to make a decision.

 

Breath in, breath out.

  
  
It usually went like this - they argued, Sousuke went to another room while he stayed in the bathroom crying until he decided to come back, put a comforting arm around him and stopping the walls from closing around him. Lately, though, there wasn’t anything that brought him back to reality, no comfort in those arms, not even a trace of sympathy in those eyes. So Rin had started locking himself in the bathroom, not expecting anything from him nor getting anything in return. And he calmed down on his own, and he walked back into their shared room with a slow pace as to not wake Sousuke up. And he woke up the next day numb and apathetic and no matter how many times they had reenacted this ridiculous Morning After scene, somehow he was unable to retain the memory in his head, and he ended up falling for it each time.  
  
But you can’t do that anymore.  
  
See where that brought you.  
  
As he passes the nearest 7 Eleven shop, he wishes he were back in Iwatobi to run along the empty seashore, to let the morning breeze wash away the fear and fill him with something else instead. A feeling long forgotten amongst empty drawers and a luggage full of cheap souvenirs. Something so that everything would finally be how it was supposed to be. His tired legs bringing him to a certain flight of stairs and the familiar scent of something burning.  
  
You settled for second best because you were afraid to lose him  


 

yet

 

here you are

 

alone

  
  
Closing his eyes for a second he struggles to not let his inner voice get too loud. He doesn’t want to listen to it anymore – it’s too loud, too annoying, too real. And he doesn’t want to know what it means when you start having entire debates with himself first thing in the morning. He feels suddenly tired and suffocated.

  
By the time he comes back to their place it’s already six, so he steps in the shower and hopes that Sousuke oversleeps.

 

***

  
  
It had always been the two of them – Haruka and Rin, Rin and Haruka. Their lives had been intertwined since long before they realized they were becoming obsessed with each other. And just as their rivalry turned into friendship, that same friendship – once broken and discarded, started to turn into something else. Something entirely different.

 

Long walks on the beach, talking about the future while trying to fix the past, trying to preserve the present in long sighs and knees brushing as they stared into the night. Rin had thought it would stay like that forever, once their old wounds had been healed. He thought they could retake it from where they left, start building something out of this new found thing. He thought Haruka felt the same way, but as it turns out, life is more complicated than that. It kept Rin hoping for long enough to fool him, only to snatch away everything he had. Over and over and over again.

  
_"I want to keep swimming,"_ he had said.  


And in that moment it had felt like a promise.

 

Why had they stopped talking then?

 

Rin would go back to Australia by the end of their third year, Haru knew that. Their last months together had been marked with an intensity he hadn’t been able to leave behind. The memories of shared evenings looking at the stars with his friends from Iwatobi; sleepless nights texting until one of them finally fell asleep; breaking into the pool at night to have spontaneous races until dawn; late evenings in front of the sea and… Rin couldn’t say if these memories were from all of his friends or Haruka alone - wasn’t it the same? It was always Haruka and the others, the two of them alone in the world. Because they had spent so much time apart, just hurting each other in memories - they had to recover all that time. And for a while it had worked.

 

But then why would we stop talking?

 

Why didn’t he write to me?

 

why didn’t

 

I

 

A knock on the door pushes him out of his thoughts.

 

Sousuke is awake.

 

With a sigh he closes the tap and steps out of the shower, he tells him that he will be out of the bathroom soon and mutters an apology. Wrapping a towel around his waist, he reaches out to clean the foggy mirror to assess the aftereffects that lack of sleep has left on his face, and as he starts toweling his hair in front of it, the blurry silhouette transforms into a completely foreign person, the eyes that stare back at him don’t look like his own, as if he had suddenly mutated into a completely different person. As if his life as Rin Matsuoka for twenty-three years had been a dream, a badly orchestrated parallel universe that would go away as soon as he stepped out of this semi-conscious state.

 

But the synchronized copy looks like him and he knows that.

 

But I am not this person.

 

***

 

He had to break up with Sousuke.

 

That’s the conclusion to which he had arrived and he knew that _this time_ there was no other option. This time, he knew, no heartfelt talks in the middle of the night or rethinking their relationship together could change his mind. The cracks in their walls he had tried so hard to ignore were still there, visible and painful, and what were once small fissures in the corners were now starting to bring down the foundations of what once was friendship.

 

Sousuke used to be his best friend, even after getting together they kept telling each other that wasn’t going to change. For a while he believed that, he felt like he had everything. His life was complete with somebody with whom he shared such an intimacy; it had been easy to trust in Sousuke, to open up in a way he had not open up to anybody before. But now he can’t even talk to him about what goes on in his life; he stops himself mid sentence when he realizes that Sousuke will probably be bored by what he has to say, or give an answer that will leave him even more unhappy than before. He stops himself from telling him about his wishes, about his fears, about his life.

 

They had set up to conquer the world together, but they had become something horrible along the way. And they owed themselves more than that, if only for that friendship they once shared.

 

And he realized this long ago - when he himself had wished something bad would happen to either of them to put this to an end. He hoped Sousuke died, so that at least he could remember him for the good things, so that he could at least cherish the memory of the Sousuke he once loved.

 

He had to break up with him.

 

But as he opens the bathroom door and is greeted by the sight of Sousuke’s mildly disoriented face, half-awake half-annoyed, a second realization hits him on the face.

 

  
_I can’t._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the way that you all see me  
> that's who I am, but not who I need to be  
> moving my joke body through the cold November night  
> haha 
> 
> hate yourself  
> do you hate yourself  
> I don't hate myself  
> I tolerate myself  
> I wish I was someone else


	3. 02

He tried.

 

He really did try to break up with Sousuke as soon as he realized that their relationship had hit a dead-end. He had mentalized himself and chosen the perfect moment to bring the subject to conversation, but somehow all of his efforts had proven futile once he looked at him with almost pleading eyes. Rin wasn’t sure if he was doing it intentionally, to make his will falter for a second and then profit from the confusion to distract him with something else. 

 

One, two, three times. 

 

As if he’d known Rin was trying to break up with him for good - not just threatening, not just saying the words to trigger a reaction. 

 

Almost one week has passed since the revelation in the bathroom and Rin is now sitting beside the pool of the training center, a discarded bottle of water at his feet distracting him from the wave of thoughts that have been assaulting him ever since this morning. His still-boyfriend - almost ex-boyfriend had been driving him nuts ever since he’d stepped into the pool. It was not uncommon for Sousuke to be particularly harsh with Rin’s training regime, which sometimes left him wondering if he shouldn’t find a way to release his anger towards him in such a way too. 

 

“Hey,” Sousuke says upon returning to the pool area with a new bottle of water and a frown on his face. “Stop slacking.”

 

Rin stares back at him in barely contained annoyance, his brow furrowing almost involuntarily. He nods and waves him away, not feeling like picking up a fight now when he was - again - internalizing his emotions. But Sousuke won’t leave him in peace today, and comes standing in front of him with both hands on his hips.

 

“You’ve been distracted all day. Is there something you want to say?”

 

_ Something you want to say. _

 

He narrows his eyes and stares blankly at a random spot behind Sousuke’s back, drinking a sip from the water that had been placed on his lap a second ago. Is there something you want to say, he asks with that concerned face, as if he wasn’t dying to just kick him back in the pool without having to deal with whatever was troubling him. Is there something you want to say, well yes, there are many things I would like to address on this particularly gloomy day, where would you like me to start?

 

But he knows being snarky never works with him, so he just shakes his head. 

 

( this is your moment )

 

“I guess I’m just tired,” he mutters, still not looking directly at him. “I’ll take off for today.” He gets up and starts heading towards the exit. Sousuke doesn’t stop him - and why should he?

 

I swim, you train me. I call the shots, not the other way around. 

 

Is the sudden anger he feels unjustified? Why can’t he even look at his face anymore? And why doesn’t he realize that nothing between them is working anymore? 

 

Should he fire him?  _ Can _ he fire him? Would that be an equivalent of breaking up with him or should he submit a written form to let him know they are parting ways with separation of property? 

 

Honestly, Rin doesn’t know anymore. 

 

***

 

He wanders around the city afterwards, almost certain that Sousuke is following him and will corner him every minute now, until after a while he realizes he’s being overly dramatic. He orders a coffee in a random shop but barely drinks from it as he walks towards nowhere in particular. The cold air of November entering through the neck of his hoodie contrasts the warmth emanating from the coffee cup, the mix is almost painful. 

 

Lately everything gives off that feeling of contrast, wrong combinations that hurt deep inside his bones. A dichotomy of previous happiness and the bitter aftertaste of living in the present. The same life, different lives. Two different people finding each other. Getting lost in the way. A different you, a new me. Nothing at all.

 

His nose starts tingling and he knows he’s crying, even if this time there are no tears falling from his eyes. And that’s how he knows. 

 

Today it all ends.

 

***

 

He senses the tension as soon as he steps into the apartment and it would surprise him - make him uncomfortable even, if he wasn’t used to that tense silent greeting already. He takes off his shoes and as he enters the living room, he sees Sousuke sitting in front of his laptop, seemingly absorbed in whatever it is he’s doing. Rin breathes in once, out twice as he sits in front of him, clearing his throat. The edges of his vision start blurring, his heartbeat blocking any noise from the outside. Sousuke looks up from the screen and the blue light reflected on his face reminds Rin of the sea, the waves in his hometown, the soothing aftereffect of foam and salt. He holds his stare this time. And this time, as he speaks, there are no regrets, no afterthoughts. No doubts. 

 

“We need to talk.”

 

He does it the best he can - he has no idea of how to break up with somebody, since the only other time he’s been with someone it lasted less than two months and it was him who got dumped. A part of him wants to hurt Sousuke as much as he feels hurt by him. And it would be easy. Staring back at those cold eyes there’s nothing that holds Rin back to earth, there’s nothing in those eyes that can guilt trip him into staying. The words flow out of his mouth effortlessly, one after the other, and it all connects. It all makes sense now. Sousuke just listens, and Rin keeps talking. There are no interruptions, only the blue light of the computer as the sun starts to set down outside. 

 

_ I can’t be with you anymore. I could say this is not your fault, but I guess that’s not what you want to hear. Both of us, then. Mine and yours. I still care about you, although not in the same way I did before, I still do. But it’s time for me to care for myself. And for that I need to find myself. I know it sounds cliché, but the truth is, it’s been awhile that I’ve been feeling lost. I lost myself in this relationship, which is not working for me anymore. So I can’t see you anymore. For a while. I need time to reconsider our friendship, where we stand.  _

 

_ But I won’t be coming back.  _

 

Sousuke had been silent the whole time, avoiding his eyes with a characteristic frown upon his face. But when he turns back to face him, it’s not with the aggressive desperation that Rin had been expecting. He looks defeated, his jaw is trembling slightly and for a moment Rin’s throat goes dry. 

 

“I understand,” he says calmly. Rin sighs, relieved and scared because he knows that’s not all he wants to say. It takes Sousuke another minute to recompose and continue. “Then please accept my resignation as your trainer.” 

 

***

 

Today it all ends.

 

(or it starts)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you give it all up if there was another scene?  
> Would you kill it to see and to be seen?  
> Would you give it all up if you had another scene?  
> Would you kill it to see or to be seen?


	4. 03

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( can't believe trump won. can't believe i'm updating so often. can't believe there are people who read this. )

That’s how on the eleventh day of the eleventh month, Rin Matsuoka finds himself standing in front of his old house back in his hometown. Back to the start point with a half-empty luggage and a hiking backpack over his shoulders. He lets out a broken sigh before knocking - he doesn't really want to explain things to his mother but he has no other place to go.

 

Scratch that. He could have gone wherever he wanted to, but he wouldn’t have dealt with this situation too well on his own. Especially in Tokyo where it’s almost impossible not to feel completely and utterly alone. He had tried, for an hour maybe. But then, here he was. Back in old Iwatobi. 

 

Bracing himself for a possible interrogatory, he straightens up when he hears his mother's footsteps approaching and as the door opens, he gives her his most fake smile and opens his arms.

 

“I’m home!” he says, as the expression on her face shifts from surprise to fondness. 

 

“If it’s not my eldest son!” She jokes, touching his cheek with her pale hand. Her eyes trail his entire body, assessing his appearance while she nudges him into the house. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

 

He removes his shoes and coat, tidies them neatly by the entrance and follows her into the living room, sitting in front of the table while she starts preparing tea. “Mom, don’t say that,” he mumbles, exhausted and in need of a shower. His entire body aches and his feet feel frozen underneath his body. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit sooner, but I did send you lots of postcards, didn’t I?”

 

She lets out a laugh, which makes Rin smile involuntarily as he starts to finally relax. He hasn’t had any sleep in the past twenty-six hours and if there’s a reason why he’s still standing and safely arrived home is because of that old lady who kept waking him up in the train. Annoying as it had been, he had been grateful when she stopped her chatter to remind him what his stop was.  _ Young man, didn’t you say you were getting down on this station? _ And it had taken Rin less than ten seconds to gather his stuff and jump out of the train.

 

On one hand it was nice to be awake but barely conscious, the only neurons left in his head were too busy handling his vital functions to lose time on thinking. “Hmmm yeah, thinking is useless anyway…” he hums happily, elbows holding him on the table.

 

When his mother returns, she pours him a cup of tea and observes him in silence. He glances up at her from time to time, but is otherwise happy enough to just lose himself in the different shades of the tea. There are a few pictures of himself in the room - some of them recent and probably taken from magazines, and he blushes a little thinking about all the people who must have seen the tournament ones, one in which he won a silver medal, right next to a picture of himself with a missing front tooth, smiling cheerfully at the camera as he holds the bloody tooth with pride. He has conflicting emotions about the artistic value of his mother's exposition. 

 

“Are you alright?” she asks, and this time it’s harder to pretend. 

 

“I am,” he lies. “I just need a bath and a month of hibernation to feel better.” 

 

***

 

After the bath, he starts nodding off almost immediately, wrapped in the secure warmth of his childhood bed. He’s almost half-asleep when he remembers that he hasn’t informed his club about any of this. Begrudgingly getting out of the covers, he reaches into his bag for his phone and sees that he has no new messages or calls. It doesn’t really come as a surprise, but the situation strikes him as bittersweet somehow. He sighs and jumps back in bed.

 

But now the sleep is gone. 

 

So he does what any normal twenty-three year old would do on a friday night. Well, maybe not any, but one that doesn’t really have any friends to party with. He groans. It’s not like he wants to be out at night in the middle of the coldest autumn they’ve had in centuries. So instead, he does what any normal young adult would do: Start browsing his social networks.

 

And given that he’s staying in Iwatobi for an undetermined amount of time, it is no coincidence that the first profile he stumbles upon is Makoto’s. He doesn’t post much, but he always comments on his pictures. Well, always as in whenever he logs in, but he’s pretty much inactive in this one. Rin is more the tweeting kind, and sometimes Nagisa retweets his stuff, sends him stupid smileys that he doesn’t really understand. But there are things in his account he doesn’t even remember posting. There are a few of his comments that are obviously written by his own hand, but that are completely devoid of meaning. And after he’s read through the entire log of conversations he’s had with his “friends”, he realizes he can’t remember a single thing about them. 

 

Vapid. 

 

That’s what my life had been until now.

 

He locks his phone and throws it back in the bag with newly found energy. He’s so mad at himself for letting the last years of his life go to waste like that. All his relationships have been superfluous, all his interactions meaningless and forgettable. He wants to scream, to tear away his own skin. He won’t be able to sleep. He needs rest, but he’s starting to hyperventilate. 

 

I don’t have any friends.

 

What am I going to do.

 

What am I doing here.

 

***

 

On the next day, Rin’s mother wakes him up at 10:30, telling him it’s almost noon. He knows that she has a tendency to exaggerate about such things, but decides to humor her and help her with breakfast. She tells him that Gou called while he was asleep - being an early bird just like his mother, and that she would drop by one of these days to check up on him.

 

Rin makes a face at that, claiming that they should not make such a big fuss over a visit. “You’re all so dramatic,” he sighs, looking defeatedly at his unfinished rice bowl. “It’s not like I  _ never _ visit…”

 

“Of course not, dear,” his mother says cheerfully. “But we miss you so much; always seeing you in television or magazines while not being able to touch you.” She says the latter with a hint of sadness, but pokes him jovially on the ribs, prompting him to eat more.

 

“I’m not very hungry, mom…” He gets up and starts clearing up the table. “You’ve been waiting for me all this time, I’m sorry.”

 

At that, she raises to her feet and takes the plates from his hand. “Hey, let me do that. Why don’t you go get some fresh air? It’s been a while you haven’t been in Iwatobi. How about you go say hi to your friends?”

 

Silence.

 

As much as the thoughts seem tempting, he doesn’t really want to run into anybody-

 

(  _ Haruka _ )

 

He doesn’t really feel like having any social interactions for a while

 

(  _ but what about Haruka _ )

 

“Maybe later,” he replies quickly, trying to dissipate the thoughts before his reasoning became blurred by senseless hope. 

 

Of course he wouldn’t want to see you. Otherwise he would have called.

 

(  _ but you didn’t call either _ )

 

“I still have to unpack.”

  
  


Once he’s climbed the stairs and is out of earshot, Rin lets out a little panicked whimper looking around at his surroundings, and as the full weight of the situation begins to soak in, the beginning of a headache hovers dangerously around his temples.

 

“FUCK!” he swears in English, his face hidden in his hands. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…” he doesn’t know why the thought of meeting old friends (Haruka) makes him so anxious. Why hadn’t he thought about that before jumping in the first train back to Iwatobi? 

 

But then again.

 

Maybe Haruka didn’t even live here anymore.

 

Maybe he’d started competing again.

 

Maybe he had a life of his own.

 

Rin couldn’t say which one of those scenarios scared him the most; one in which Haruka was still a slightly evolved hermit still living in Iwatobi, or in which he had finally conquered his fears had…

 

kept his promise?

 

***

 

It takes Rin exactly three days to get out of the house and walk farther than ten yards away from the entrance. As promised, Gou had stopped by for tea on Sunday and had questioned him extensively about his private life and matter of affairs, in her own words. It had actually been nice to share dinner with his family, reunited after what felt like years. But it had actually been years since he had stayed for so long, so it made sense. Both women had lectured him about his diet - most of his meals were left untouched, while the only thing he chugged were flashy energy drinks of dubious provenance, in their own words.

 

The truth is, he couldn’t stomach anything else.

 

It had been less than a week and he already felt like he had made a mistake. He missed Sousuke, or the comfort of having a familiar presence next to him. And he couldn’t tell anybody about how he was feeling because it would mean having to give useless explanations. That was something he wouldn’t be able to handle.

 

So on the third day of his visit and the start of a new week, he decided it was time to stop running in circles - literally, because jogging around the house every morning had left him dizzy for hours after, and thus, had proven to be the most boring mind-numbing task in the universe.

 

And it might be what he thought he wanted.

 

But, as he runs along the familiar streets of his childhood, he realizes - not what he needed.

 

There are a few seagulls flying around, a couple of boats attached to a bridge. It all brings memories of years past. He will have to go visit the grave of his father one of these days, once he’s gotten over this stupid existential crisis. But for now, Rin hopes that he forgives him for being a neglectful son. He turns around and runs up the hill a couple of blocks; his legs are already started to get cramped by the cold and lack of proper nourishment. He knows that he should probably go back before he’s too weak to run, but his eyes meet a familiar sight and he cannot help the gasp that escapes his mouth.

 

It looks exactly as the last time he saw it, although it has definitely been repainted in the last years. He slows down his pace as he approaches the Iwatobi Swimming Club, stopping right in front of the reception door, almost afraid of what he will encounter inside. He shrugs and turns away to leave, just when somebody is going inside.

 

Damn, he knew it was time to go back. Normal people have working hours and the sooner he got back, the less chances he had of running into anyone familiar-

 

“Rin?”

 

It takes him longer than expected to recover his voice, “Makoto?”

 

The smile that he gets in return is enough to ease him into a more relaxed position. 

 

“It’s been a while! What have you been up to?” Makoto says, putting a hand on his shoulder and it’s just in that moment that Rin realizes that he’s holding the keys to the building.

 

He ignores the question, although he doesn’t mean to sound so surprised when he speaks, “You work here? I thought you’d gone to Tokyo to become a teacher!”

 

Makoto doesn’t take it bad - he just smiles and shrugs. “That was more or less the plan, but I actually wanted to become a swimming instructor.”

 

It takes Rin a moment to remember the time in which Makoto had talked to him about his future, about his career choice and the worried tone that had followed when he had spoken about… But it makes sense. It does make sense that he wanted that, but Rin couldn’t exactly remember. He’d been more focused on his own career and had mostly followed his friends’ lives through social media, whenever he had had the time. Of course there was always the risk of being mislead by social media, after all, it’s only that - a social platform. A place where a little blank square asks you what are you thinking, and you can write whatever you want in it - nevermind it they are not actually  _ your _ thoughts. 

 

Haruka had always hated social media. Rin had looked for him a couple of times but every search engine he had tried had suggested either hot girls in bikinis or senior women in his grandmother’s age range.

 

So he had stopped trying to get back in contact.

 

Or fake contact.

 

But of course Makoto would not ventilate every detail about his life on the internet either.

 

Just like he wouldn’t either. 

 

As far as he was concerned, he was probably still in a relationship with Sousuke online.

 

But then again, wasn’t that part of the image he  _ wanted _ to project to the world? 

 

He was just like one of those frivolous internet celebrities, after all. Keeping up a radiant face to the world, while at his back everything crumbled down, his entire life shattered to pieces. 

 

_ But isn't what what everybody does? _

 

( Not Haruka )

 

_ Did I become somebody he wouldn’t even want as a friend anymore? _

 

_ Did Sousuke already update our relationship statuses?  _

 

_ Did he erase me from his friend’s list? _

 

_ Why do I care? _

 

“Hey,” Makoto’s warm hand on his shoulder brings him out of his thoughts once again. “Are you alright?”

 

“Yeah, sorry. I just remembered I had to run some errands for my mother.” He lies, hoping that Makoto won't notice the agitation in his voice, nor the freaky look he must have had just seconds ago. “But it was nice running into you.”

 

He quickly apologizes and tries to walk away at a normal pace, but pretending has never been his strongest area. As he’s about to start jogging back down the road he hears Makoto calling him back.

 

“Rin!” he’s stepping right out of the club’s entrance, a kind smile adorning his lips but a slightly more serious expression on his eyes. “You should go see Haru,” he is about to walk back in, but he stops himself for a second to add, “I think he would like that.”

 

And with that, he's gone.

  
  


_ What the hell was that? _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another day goes by me  
> Another day, a month and a year  
> And as I look around me  
> I feel so lonely there's no one  
> No one here beside me  
> No one here to help to see me through  
> To see me through  
> To see me through  
> Cause I need you  
> Cause I need you


	5. 04

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( this chapter is messy, messy, messyyyyy!!!! if someday i edit this, here's a reminder for future me that this week has been TOUGH ..so, future me, please forgive my sins )

Makoto’s voice keeps resonating in his head even after bathing, getting dressed and having breakfast in the kitchen - his mother had gone to the city before he even arrived and had left him food, a note beside that said “EAT”

 

But even as he busies himself with small talks, he finds himself unable to erase the tone in Makoto’s voice from his head. As he does the little dishes his breakfast left him, he can't help but wonder about that. About Haru.

 

Why is he still in Iwatobi?

 

_ “I want to keep swimming.” _

 

Something doesn't fit. 

 

Hadn’t he say that?

 

But then… How comes that in all these years they hadn't crossed paths once? Rin had always assumed Haruka had been scouted, or accepted a scholarship from another country, or… Whatever it took for him to be able to reach the dream he found back then. In Australia.

 

Rin had hoped for a call. He had hoped to see him one day, to open his front door and find him there - sleeping. He sometimes fantasized about both of them swimming together, even surfing together on the australian coasts. He would be walking one day near the shore and see a jet black fleck on his peripheral vision, only to turn around and realize it wasn't him.

 

And it hadn't felt like closure.

 

Because his obsession with him hadn't died over the years. He had just gotten better at pretending, at distancing himself.

 

Because it hadn't felt like closure.

 

“I want to keep swimming,” he had whispered close to his ear, his warm breath sending shivers down Rin’s spine. 

 

Breathlessness. A light touch. A turn of the head and there it was. Haruka - pale like the winter light, lips parted slightly and a look in his eyes Rin had never seen before. An immediate signal reached inside his chest, burning in the pit of his stomach, twisting and twirling, traveling all the way down to his thighs. And then it was lost. 

 

Because _ Haru, I’m going to Australia in a week. _

 

And it was gone.

 

And Haru’s eyes had fallen to the floor, and when he lifted them again the initial flame was gone.

 

And then Rin was gone.

  
  


Months after Rin would learn that Haru had gone to Tokyo with Makoto. 

  
  


But they never saw each other again.

  
  
  


Afterwards he makes a few phone calls; excuses himself from training, saying he needs a break. More likely than not this would cause him future problems, but he can’t be bothered right now. He leans back on his bed, letting out a loud sigh. He doesn't particularly enjoy getting yelled at first thing in the morning, but fuck it. He needs this. 

 

He hasn’t had any news of Sousuke at all. But he couldn’t care less about that. They broke up; Sousuke is not his problem anymore. Yet as liberating as the thought might seem, the emptiness in his chest is still very present. 

 

Should he cry it out?

 

But he doesn’t feel like crying.

 

( Strangely )

 

He closes his eyes, trying to think of anything he might want to do. But there’s nothing. Even asking himself what he wants implies a whole lot of effort, and everything is tiring. He’s tired. Of everything. He doesn’t even want to play stupid games on his phone anymore, or do something as passive as sitting in front of the TV. He realizes that, somehow, each one of his pastimes had involved Sousuke in some degree - or avoiding him, as of later. What point was there in playing the Flappy Fish game if he was alone, with no one to purposefully ignore?

 

Another sigh.

 

( maybe you should drop by, like Makoto said )

 

But what if?

 

He shakes his head, forcing the thought away. No, Makoto was wrong. Haruka doesn’t want to see him.

 

( right? )

 

Hesitantly he takes back his phone, browsing quickly through his contact list until he finds it. The number he always meant to erase, yet somehow was never able to. He dials and waits, eyes wide open and heart up his throat.

 

It rings once, twice…

 

_ This is a bad idea. _

 

Thrice. 

 

_ Shit. What am I doing _ .

 

There’s a brief silence in which his heart misses a beat - or stops completely, he wouldn’t be able to tell. It feels like some sort of afterlife, trapped between life and death, silence and internal screaming. Then an unmistakeable voice, calm and low.

 

“Hello?” 

 

And Rin can’t breath. His body functions have stopped functioning completely, and he can’t. He can’t. Because it feels too real and unreal at the same time. Haruka’s voice hasn’t changed through the years; he can almost see him in front of him looking around in his room, messing with the pictures his mother has arranged on his old desk. His eyes would linger on that one from when they won that relay, right before being disqualified.  _ Should we race? _ And Rin would know he is smiling. 

 

“Hello…” 

 

But right now it’s too much and he can’t. So he hangs up, dropping the phone gracelessly. And it takes him half an hour to recompose. 

 

But he can’t stop thinking about that voice.

 

( I want to see him )

  
  
  


In another part of town a confused Haruka stares at his phone in disbelief. Frowning down at the unknown number, the corners of his mouth twitch slightly upwards as he realizes he’s probably been pranked by some kid.

 

He feels old.

  
  


***

 

His mother calls him at around two thirty, asking if he can come help her carry the groceries from the supermarket. Of course, being the good son he was, he agrees immediately, and after being fully convinced that the scarf, the hat and the dark glasses have completely concealed his appearance, he feels brave enough to leave the house for the second time that day. Hoping to not run into anybody whose ability to recognize people surpasses his mastery of disguise.

 

No one stares at him as he makes his way downtown, mostly because it’s so cold that no one in their right mind would set a foot outside on day like this. It’s only November, but it feels like the winter has already arrived.

 

He quickens up his pace until he sees his mother waiting outside. As he approaches, she eyes him with mock weariness, but doesn’t comment. He feels like she’s trying too hard not to laugh at him, and that once they arrive home she’s gonna inquire extensively about his day and  _ did you go visit your old friends already. _ That’s just the kind of person she is.

 

What he doesn’t expect her to say as soon as they are finished tidying the groceries is this, “Sousuke called me this morning.”

 

His heart stops.

 

What did he want.

 

She’s pouring him a cup of tea, a pensive expression on her face. He makes a Oh sound, which he hopes is a good enough use of phatic expression to encourage her to keep talking. “He asked how you were,” she pauses to look at him with an enigmatic look in her eyes. “Said you had forgotten your insurance card back at his place.” 

 

He senses the blood raising to his cheeks, but he tries his best to hide it behind a smile and a cup of tea that is too hot to drink.

 

“Oh,” he breathes out. “Well, it’s good that it was there and not lost somewhere.”

 

Out of all the things he wanted to say, he hopes this was the less inculpating. For a moment, he avoids looking at her in the eye, pretending to be interested in the local newspaper sitting in front of him instead. When he comments on the weather forecast, his mother interrupts him with a strange voice, one he’s heard very few times in his life. 

 

“What happened between you two?”

 

And it had been naïve to believe she wasn’t going to ask at some point or another anyway.

 

That she wasn’t gonna notice.

 

So he tells her.

 

( Mostly )

  
  


***

  
  


Talking about Sousuke is not as hard as he initially believed and even, as it turns out, lying about it was the easiest of it all. It takes him approximately five seconds to recover and feign annoyance, at least partly. The rest comes to him instinctively, the words leaving his mouth like a current of long-hidden truths. He explains that their relationship - friendship - has been deteriorating for months now and this is just the result of many factors that accumulated through their convivence. It’s easy to lie when their life together as of last year had been a cyclic transition of arguments and bottling up resentment. He realizes that he’d been conveniently closing his eyes to the truth, waiting for conflict to resolve itself and eventually explode. He realizes their relationship had been nothing more than that for a while. 

 

He had been afraid that she would discover the truth; that she already knew somehow. But halfway through the conversation he realizes that there’s no truth, only the one he creates, and today that’s the truth that matters. Because when he says he’s too controlling, he means every word of it. Because when he says he can no longer see his best friend when he looks at Sousuke, he means it. Because he realizes now. It was never because he was madly in love with him; he isn't sure he's ever seen Sousuke that way. A wave of nausea and guilt hits him. Would it really be unfair to say he never really wanted to date Sousuke? Would it make him look like a desperate human being, trying to replace something that he never had?   
  
( something he wanted )   
  
His bones are caved in, filled with concrete and tar. Long dried up. There's no air.   
  
( - wants )

 

But the truth is, he’s no longer worried about sounding convincing. Because he knows, in her mind it must be as true as it feels to him. Right in this moment, since who knows how long, maybe forever - it’s true. 

 

It’s easy to lie. When you’ve been lying to yourself for so long.

 

_ I never wanted this. _

 

“We’re just too different,” he says bitterly after a while, staring at an invisible crack on the wall. He sees it clearly in his head - crack behind your eyes and then everything falls down. And the only thing you can do is smile as you pretend it’s not there, but then - it’s really not. Because everything fell down, because all that remains is the memory of whatever you thought you had built. Because it doesn’t matter once it’s gone; you can make it into whatever you want it to be. 

 

_ It doesn’t matter that we were a couple. _

 

Because when you speak it, even the truth becomes fictional.

 

“It’s okay,” he says. 

 

“But Rin,” she says touching his hand lightly. “Is it really?”

 

It’s not your fault, is what she is saying. You can solve this, is what she is saying. But he doesn’t want to listen to her. 

 

After all

 

she doesn’t know.

 

After all

 

the truth is what you make of it.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That evening, at peace with himself at last, Rin decides to go visit his father's grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to the darklands  
> To talk in rhyme  
> With my chaotic soul  
> As sure as life means nothing  
> And all things end in nothing  
> And heaven I think  
> Is too close to hell


	6. 05

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( don't you love it when the weather reflects your inner world )

His father's tombstone is covered in damp leaves - it tends to happen in the fall. The wind, the sea and the typhoons, all taking turns to bring and clear away the surface. Of course, there's his mother and Gou too, cleaning the old carcass from time to time. He kneels in front of it and starts carefully picking away the leaves.   
  
A peaceful sensation runs through his entire body, allowing him to lower his guard for the first time in what feels like centuries. All his worries blurring slowly into the horizon, floating away on a giant pool of saltwater and soil.    
  
His life is not over yet.   
  
Perhaps this is only the beginning.   
  
He finishes putting away the last one of the leaves and searches in his bag for something to wipe away the stains. It's been so long. He wonders how many times this stone has been cleaned.   
  
“I thought I would find you here,” he hears someone say at his back. The cold wind enters through the back of his running jacket, a jolt of electricity numbs the tip of his fingers and, for a moment, he can’t turn his head. He can’t. Because he would recognize that voice in the middle of a thunderstorm, that way of dragging his words, lazy and paced, calm and slightly pissed off. Because no matter how much he tried to erase it from his memory, that voice always came back to talk to him in dreams. But he’s not prepared for the real thing. Not now. Not yet.   
  
_ It's too soon, too soon. _ __  
__  
_ I've just finished sorting out this mess. You can't just come and mess with everything now. _ __  
  
At his back, the leaves crack under the weight of approaching footsteps and he knows - he wants. He has to turn around. But his throat is dry, all the water in his body accumulating behind his eyes. His nose starts tingling and he knows - but don't cry. This is not happening. Not this way. You are not going to cry. He closes his eyes and feigns a smile, trying to get used to the pressing feeling in his chest, trying to remember what it felt like to be confident. What it felt like to trust in himself enough not to be let down later. But he can’t. And the voice that leaves his mouth is not a confident one, it trembles and betrays emotions that he doesn’t want to acknowledge right now.   
  
“Haru,” he turns around and for the first time in years their eyes meet. Facing each other on a cliff at the end of the world - the rotten scenery of wet dead leaves, the scent of the sea and the orchestra of waves as a background. It does nothing to appease Rin’s inner conflict of wanting to throw himself either into Haruka’s arms ( feel his smell, his warmth and melt into him ) or off the cliff and disappear into the sea, not to be found ever again.    
  
But he does neither.   
  
He just stares back at him, a half-smile still quietly placed onto his lips. So fake.   
  
Haruka’s eyes bear the same intensity as they did when he last saw them. He hasn’t grown taller, nor more muscular. He still looks the same way he did when he was eighteen and fresh out of highschool. Perhaps paler - or was he always like this, time might have toughened his features, Rin wouldn’t be able to tell. In front of him stands Haruka, a perfect replica of the image he held onto for so long.    
  
Is this really happening.   
  
Who told you? He wants to ask.   
  
But part of him knows that-    
  
Makoto, of course he would tell Haru.   
  
_ Say something on your defense. Do something. Quick! _ __  
  
He doesn't expect Haruka to smile back, yet after a few seconds of observing Rin in silence, his lips curve into a smile and he tentatively walks up to him. "I said to myself," he starts. "He must have just arrived."   
  
Well, almost. But Rin can hardly contain the sigh of relief that escapes him when he hears that.    
  
"Rin would never come back to Iwatobi without visiting," his eyes turn to the sea, and he stays pensive for a few seconds. "But then I thought, why not. After all, you've already done it before."    
  
And just like that, Rin understands that it's not going to be so easy this time.

 

He wants to say something to redeem himself. I wanted to call you. Anything that could possibly maybe make Haru not hate him. Forgive him?

 

“I didn’t think you wanted to see me,” he says instead. Instead. All of these sudden changes of plans are driving him crazy. Although it’s not as if he ever had a plan to begin with, but he didn’t even get to assimilate the probabilities of randomly encountering Haru one day, which for being in a small town weren’t specially in his favor. But he had wanted to. So why doesn’t he say that?

 

Stop running away, the voice inside his head is saying. It sounds dangerously similar to Haruka.

 

“You never came,” he says bitterly. “I waited for you but you never came.” He hates the sound of his own broken voice. This is not the heartfelt encounter he’s been hoping for all these years. He knows he is in no position to make accusations, but the truth is - he always wondered.

 

_ Why did you stop writing to me? _

 

_ Why, no matter how much I asked for you… _

 

Because he wasn’t there. 

 

Haruka opens his mouth to reply, but he can’t stop himself now, and all the thoughts he’s been blocking out of his consciousness now start flowing anew, spilling out of their imprisonment, flooding his mind with clarity and confusion. 

 

“You stopped swimming,” he says in a barely audible whisper. It doesn’t come out with anger, or sadness, or anything in particular. It’s just a statement. A question, maybe. 

 

Their eyes lock again, none of them looking away this time. 

 

“I didn’t stop swimming.” 

 

A gust of wind blows a couple of leaves from a tree, the branches shake and crack and hiss like hundreds of rattlesnakes, twirling and dancing, foretelling the typhoon to come. The waves crash against the rocks as a dark cloud approaches the coast; blowing salty raindrops on their cheeks. 

 

“I didn’t stop swimming,” Haruka repeats as if to corroborate the level of truth of this statement with himself. Rin just stares, emotional exhaustion and rain draining away the fight inside of him. “Only competitively,” he corrects himself after a few seconds. “But that’s probably what you meant.”

 

Rin doesn’t want to answer to that. “Yeah…”

 

Haruka nods, hiding his mouth inside the neck of his jacket. Rin wants to think he’s trying to conceal a smile, but his eyes remain darkened by the shadows of the evening. He doesn’t know what to make out of it. “You never wrote back.”

 

( Or of that )

 

“But that’s not what I came here to say,” he glances up at the sky,  _ it’s starting _ \- Rin can almost hear his thoughts.  _ Yeah, it’s been a while. Are typhoons any different in Tokyo? Yeah, but you probably knew that already.  _ Haruka turns back to him, a half smile plastered on his face, then he starts walking away slowly. “I’m glad you’re back, though.” 

 

But.

 

He cannot let him go like that.

 

“Haru, wait-”

 

He cannot let him get away again.

 

“Let’s swim together,” he blurts out before he can realize what he’s just said. His cheeks are burning, but he doesn't care. He will take what he can, this time around he will take whatever he can get. “Whenever, just… hit me up, okay?”

 

And he’s expecting Haru to tell him no, or quote his infamous ‘I will never swim with you again’, whatever. 

 

I know I probably deserve that. 

 

But then Haru is laughing. And for the first time in months, he feels like himself again.

 

Because maybe this time around, things are going to go his way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watch the ripples change their size  
> But never leave the stream  
> Of warm impermanence  
> And so the days float through my eyes  
> But still the days seem the same  
> And these children that you spit on  
> As they try to change their worlds  
> Are immune to your consultations  
> They're quite aware of what they're goin' through


	7. 06

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( first of all ,I CAN EXPLAIN... my tablet (where i used to write) got stolen, my teachers think i have nothing better to do than learn russian participles, i drafted like three variants to this chapter at the back of those stupid declination tables and hated them all, so when i finally got a new convertible laptop, self-doubt, lack of motivation and anxiety kept me from even approaching it...
> 
> i am sorry this is not long enough, in proportion to the time w/o updates this is not enough and I KNOW but, if life doesn't get in the way, i promise to finish what i started )

Rin is awakened by his mother who says somebody came to visit. It’s Haru. Rin’s heat does the funny thing again. He’s embarrassed to be in his pyjamas but Haru doesn’t say anything. I’ll wait for you downstairs. After getting dressed he finally gets down, blue eyes meet his gaze as soon as he is in his field of vision. He says nothing, just nods towards the door and faintly smiles goodbye to Mrs. Matsuoka.

 

Rin must convince himself that he is not dreaming. The silence as they trail along the shivering remains of foliage neither the ocean nor the rain could wash away. His own doubts could not be washed away by what seems now like the deceitful memories of a feverish storm night. Was yesterday real? It sure as hell felt real, the way his legs kept trembling even after hours of the meeting. But was it real or had he dreamt about it all?

 

Haruka came to see him on his own free will. Yesterday was real. All the internal screaming and the anxious nights leading to that moment. Haruka’s pink knuckles and the glow of his body on counter light. Today is real. Haru wants to retake from where they left off years ago, and the thought makes Rin’s chest warm and restless.

 

He needs to break this silence, if only for the sake of his own composure, or if this is not real, at least to profit from this vivid dream as much as he can, while he can. He’s about to speak, but when he opens his mouth, it’s the sound of Haruka’s voice that meets his ears, “do you want to swim?”

He bursts out laughing and it’s either the nerves or the lack of social contact in the last months, but Haru is in front of him, not moving and not even smiling. Which makes for a bad start of re-building their relationship.

_Where you always this bad at interactions?_

( who are you asking this to )

_What do I do now, what do I do now, please just laugh along._

“Wait, you were serious.” He says then, trying to calm down, his face flushed from lack of oxygen and loss of dignity.

“Yes.”

It’s the middle of November where does he think they can swim, where on earth would they find a place to swim – that is not the Swimming Club, nor the icy waters of this season’s Japan. Haru shrugs as if reaffirming his initial proposition, shoving both his hands in his pockets. Rin continues staring at him without really understanding if he should make a connection there, if he’s missing some important piece of information to put together whatever it is that Haruka has come up with.

“The water is not so cold as in February,” and then he smiles. That sly side smile of his, the one that says ‘I’m just playing with you, even I am not that reckless, how can you be so susceptible’ which never fails to disarm Rin of all defences and witty remarks he could, in any other case, summon with a flick of his wrist and the sharp smile of a natural born leader.

And then Haru offers him a real smile, one that reaches his eyes, one of those that don’t really need words attached to them, because they already say everything that even all the existing words of every language in the world could not convey.  

And as Rin gets lost in the immensity of those sparkling clear eyes he finds his peace. His vision starts blurring in the edges– it’s inevitable.

As the tears start streaming down his face, the arms that wrap around him feel safer and softer than any other thing he’s ever felt in his life.

Between choked sobs he can hear Haru’s soft voice asking “why are you crying,” and there’s amusement in his tone, but also a fondness that Rin absolutely didn’t expect – I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve this. But it’s that voice that holds no condescending pity, but only mirth and affection. I missed you, it says. It’s that voice that put him back together, and hold him, and Rin can’t help but laugh along. Because he missed him too, in the sunlight and dark hours of night. Missed the shine of his eyes and the calmness of his voice, the comfortable evening silences and the texts messages at eight in the morning. Finally, everything falls into place, them. At the end of the road Rin always turns back, always carrying this tempestuous bag of emotions, and every time Haruka’s still there waiting and willing to help him carry it.

“I still haven’t unpacked,” he says laughing and sobbing in Haruka’s shoulder.

Haru strokes his back with his thumb for a few instants, finally stepping back with a decisive look in his eyes.

“Good, because we are going on a trip.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wake  
> From your sleep  
> The drying of  
> Your tears  
> Today  
> We escape  
> We escape  
> Pack  
> And get dressed  
> Before your father hears us  
> Before  
> All hell  
> Breaks loose  
> Breathe  
> Keep breathing  
> Don't loose  
> Your nerve  
> Breathe  
> Keep breathing  
> I can't do this  
> Alone


End file.
